Wednesday, December 2, 2009,
have so much reflections i want to type, i don't know where to start. ok step by step...
i recently went for odac expedition, went to malaysia to scale 3 mountains and visit one waterfall. where or how isn't important, to me what is most important is what you got out of it. some of my friends brought home beautiful memories, some brought home memories of pain and discomfort, some went home becoming better people...
how about myself... i felt different after the xp. during journey, odac had to endure hardship, descending the mountain in the dark, cold, mud, etc. no doubt the journey was tough, but what i remember thinking what i could really learn from it. thinking back now, i guess the intrinsic values that i gained from xp made all the discomfort worth it. during the night descend, the fear, the discomfort, the cold, the mud and the yucks feeling when i touch mud (which later disappeared when i got too muddy and tired to continue feeling disgusted anymore), all the mental and physical torture. at some points some of us were so cold we were near hypothemia. i guess i was one of them. but then at the end of it all, when i looked back at all that i went through, when we finally reached the summit the next day in the morning and when we could see all that we scaled, what went through my mind was this: if i could go through that, i can go through anything...
really, the feeling is great.
but then that was a case of pure physical torture, that you had to overcome mental strength.
but what was probably worst than that was the mental attack that i faced the next day...
wow that was siong.
i have a mild fear of being dehydrated, a weird phobia i know. so everytime before a long run, contrary to what others do, i'll gulp down half my bottle (others will avoid this to avoid stitch). and i won't get stitches, i don't know why.
on datok, my fear was really tested when probably 2/3 of the way up i stopped drinking water to conserve for later, only to find out at the summit that we were all dangerously low on water and all pooled together whatever water we had, and all were banned from drinking that collective 4.5l of water we had. wow, the mental torture was incredible, knowing it was the hottest time of the day and having stopped drinking water halfway up and still having to go the rest of the way down the mountain with nothing to drink, with the heavy backpack...
halfway down i started feeling weak and dizzy, feeling my mental strength starting to give way, feeling the heat exhaustion coming on, the onset of hyperthermia and with the lack of thermoregulation and homeostasis the core body temperature rising, obscuring vision and thinking. thoughts that i would be dying of heat stroke, or fainting, started to cloud my mind, bending my will, breaking the strength. somewhere 1/3 way down i was too dizzy and weak to safely climb down with backpack, i asked the teacher for permission to drink, but he said: only if the batch agrees to surrender on datok. wtfreak, so i continued on till more or less the exhaustion caught up and my strong friend had to help me with my backpack down the mountain.
then at the base, when finally water came, it was like heaven. then the reflection, and the lesson. water discipline, mental strength, indomitable will were vital. ah...
thinking back now, i know my duty. my teacher's duty was to teach, mine was to connect and transfer what i'd learnt to my life. so now, 4 days after my xp, i look at how diff my life in this 4 days is from before my xp. mental strength had become my main focus, i'd become more focused on what i was doing, and faster, and more organised. but i still struggle with self discipline, self control, looking at my odac teacher mr lim and how disciplined he is, i know i'm still so far away from his standard. his standard is my goal now, i pray one day when i become an adult and i look at my life then i'll realise that i have reached that stage. that would be my dream come true.
now i'm given the chance to teach my classmates what i had being taught, albeit in a much much less tough way. ocip, looking forward to it already yea.
this xp is, in a way, connected to my dream. my dream, to be the modern renaissance man. i even entitled it: 'enrique'
so here i am on the road, thinking and reflecting everyday, dreaming and working towards it, building the values up, building the foundation, becoming a better me. who knows, maybe one day i will reach that standard i set myself now. maybe one day i will live my dream, and be called enrique.
5:40 PM
